


The Rest is Hissstory

by schweet_heart



Series: The Prince's Book of Hours [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Pre-Slash, Snakes, juvenile humour, modern!AU, remix eligible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 12:06:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2347901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schweet_heart/pseuds/schweet_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur lives across the hall from Merlin. Merlin is babysitting Will's pet snake. Meet cute, bad puns and dick jokes ensue. Inspired by <a href="http://labeteglatissante.tumblr.com/post/98177648062/ok-but-have-you-considered">this</a> tumblr post.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rest is Hissstory

Arthur hears the shriek while he’s still fumbling in his pocket for his keys, and the sound is startling enough that he just about drops the bag of groceries he has tucked under his other arm. Catching it in the nick of time, he turns to find the source of the noise. He’s pretty sure it was coming from the apartment across the way — a hypothesis that is confirmed when he hears a loud squeak and several crashing noises coming from inside the flat. It sounds like something large and heavy has fallen over, possibly taking out a bookshelf or small coffee table along with it, almost certainly doing some serious damage.

 

Arthur only hesitates a moment before setting down his things and crossing the hall.

 

“Hello?” he calls, knocking lightly on the door before trying the handle. He knows the guy who lives there only by sight — okay, so maybe he knows him _really well_ by sight, but it’s not Arthur’s fault the bloke is kind of gorgeous — but it sounds like someone might be in trouble and Arthur has always had something of a white-knight streak, at least according to Morgana. “Are you okay? I thought I heard —“

 

He stops, blinking at the sight that greets him. Guy Next Door is standing on an overturned arm-chair, holding a broom and fending off a rather confused-looking snake, which looks to be some variety of completely harmless python. His neighbour looks up when Arthur enters, and his cheeks flush a deep and fascinating red.

 

“Er,” he says. “Hi?”

 

“Hi,” Arthur says, amused. “I thought maybe someone had broken in or something but I see you’re entertaining, so I’ll just — “

 

He jerks a thumb over his shoulder and moves to back out into the hallway, but the guy waves his arms in clear desperation. 

 

“No! Wait!” he blurts. “I’m not — it’s my friend’s snake, I said I’d take care of it while he’s away, only…”

 

“It escaped?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And you’re deathly afraid of snakes,” Arthur guesses, biting on his lower lip to restrain the smile that he can’t seem to stop from rising to the surface. “Are you sure you’re not _actually_ a little girl?”

 

The man shoots him a poisonous look and folds his arms, nearly whacking himself in the head with the broom in the process.

 

“Fear of snakes is perfectly rational,” he says sulkily. Arthur gets the feeling he may have had this conversation before. “They’re all slimy and slithery and poisonous. And they eat mice.”

 

Arthur shakes his head, but he steps fully into the room and closes the door behind him so that the snake won’t make a bid for freedom. Not that it looks like it wants to — the poor thing seems quite befuddled by all the fuss, and is curled up in a patch of sunlight looking like butter wouldn’t melt in its mouth. 

 

“I guess that answers my next question,” Arthur says.

 

“What question?”

 

“Whether you’re a man or a mouse.” He grins when the man scowls at him. “I wouldn’t want it to eat you, so just stay there; I’ll take care of it. Where do you keep your dustpan?”

 

It doesn’t take long for him to scoop the snake up in the plastic shovel and drop it back into the cage sitting by the windowsill. Once the lid is secured and the danger has passed, he turns back to the Guy Next Door, now standing back on the floor looking somewhat sheepish, and holds out a hand.

 

“I’m Arthur,” he says. “I live across the hall.”

 

“Merlin,” says Merlin, shaking his hand. “I live here. Usually. Um. Thanks for, you know — “ he waves a hand at the snake. “Helping with Dick.”

 

Arthur does a double take. “Your friend named his snake Dick?”

 

Merlin is blushing again, but he looks more long-suffering than embarrassed. “Yes. That’s Will for you. We told him that naming his own dick ‘Anaconda’ was out of bounds so he named the snake Dick instead, even though we tried to explain that it’s not an anaconda. It was unusually clever of him, if you want to know the truth.”

 

Arthur can’t help letting out a snort of laughter at that, and Merlin grins at him, a broad, shit-eating grin that takes up his entire face. It makes him look kind of deranged, really, but Arthur finds it oddly endearing. 

 

“Well, you’re welcome,” he says, and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “And your friend is welcome, too, even if he does have terrible taste in pet names.”

 

“I’ll be sure to let him know,” Merlin says, nodding. “For all the good it will do.”

 

Arthur laughs again, and he’s just about to say goodbye — reluctantly, but it wouldn’t do to outstay his welcome — when Merlin reaches out and snags his arm.

 

“Hey, can I buy you a coffee?” he blurts out in a rush. Arthur wonders if that’s his usual mode of speaking, or if he’s just nervous. “Um. As a thank you. For saving me from the snake, I mean.”

 

“Sure,” Arthur says, grinning wickedly. “That seems a fair enough payment for saving you from Will’s big bad Dick.”

 

Merlin puts his face in his hands.

 

“Oh my god,” he groans, but he’s laughing as he says it, and Arthur gets the feeling that maybe, just maybe, this is going to be the start of something good. “Those words do not belong in the same sentence, you horrible, horrible man.”

 

“Now, now, _Mer_ lin,” he says, leading the way to the door. “Is that any way to talk to the bloke who singlehandedly saved you from being eaten by Dick?”

 

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

 

“Probably not, no.”

 

“Is it too late to revoke my offer of coffee?”

 

“‘Fraid so.”

 

“I hate you already,” Merlin informs him, holding open the door with another, blinding grin. “We are never, ever going to be friends.”

 

“That’s what I’m counting on,” Arthur assures him, and winks.


End file.
